*I’m using ‘writers’ in the widest definition of the word here, from published authors to anyone who believes they might have a book inside them (and who hasn’t lubed-up their favourite novel and played ‘hide the hardback’?).
Writers enjoy being reminded that they’re writers, so why not get them a gift that reflects their writerliness? Please note that this doesn’t work for other professions: if you know a nurse, don’t gift-wrap a speculum and expect them to be thrilled.
Here are a few suggestions for that person in your life who self-identifies as a writer…
1. A Gift that Reminds Them of Better Writers
The reason why people seem impressed when you say you’re a writer is because of its pedigree. So, even if your writing consists of blogging about the Top Fifty Cupcakes Pippa Middleton Serves at Baby Showers, you’re still standing on the shoulders of Tolstoy, Dante, Bronte et al.
For that reason, consider the following as suitable presents:
- Hard liquor and some Vaseline for your punch-raw knuckles (Hemingway/Bukowski/Austen).
- Cocaine, tabs of acid, or a sherbet dip dab and a flying saucer (Hunter S Thompson/Huxley).
- A whoopee cushion (James Joyce) EDITOR: PLEASE ADD THIS LINK TO JOYCE LIKING WET WINDY FARTS.
2. Things to Do the Writing With
Nowadays, this mainly means software that you download, but why not consider more old-fashioned, charming tools for your writerly chum. For example:
- A notebook covered in the skin of an animal. Moles are very popular for this purpose. Perhaps this small, humble creature, blindly groping its way through the dirt, only to be deliberately poisoned after it disrupts the placid uniformity of a manicured lawn, represents the noble plight of the author, their search for truth, their disruption of the status quo, and their savaging by small-minded critics. In any case, the notebook will mainly be used for shopping lists, cock doodles, and things written in the middle of the night/when drunk that make no sense in the light of day/sobriety.
- An old-fashioned typewriter. Have you ever tried depressing the keys on one of these things? The finger muscles of yesteryear’s writers were like those on a James Bond henchmen. Imagine a thumb war with Plath. Your soft, genre-writing stems would be pulped in seconds.
- A nice Parker pen. Or even better, a quill pen. There’s nothing like trying to scratch out a sentence with something plucked from a chicken’s arse to make you realise you’re not that determined to be a writer.
3. A Copy of Magenta is the Warmest Colour by L J Sharman
This one is essential. It’s available in three dimensions, as well as electronically! Simply visit www.lindsaysharman.com to find out more! You may also request a Free Secret Santa present* by emailing me through the website when you place your order! That’s right, a Free Gift with every order of Magenta is the Warmest Colour!
*Free gift may not be hygienic